So I was received into the Catholic Church in 2009. But my pattern of drifting is well-established and I still drift. I want to stop. I want to come home to the Church and then stay. Because the Church is home and I am a real homebody. At the moment, I am home. I’ve been to Confession during Lent, I’m attending Sunday Mass and doing all the right things. But I lack perseverance. And I chafe against some of the restrictions of the Church. Even though my wild lifestyle made me unhappy, sometimes I miss aspects of it. When the chafing becomes to much, and my old life seems attractive … well, there are plenty of other ways to live that will let me do exactly what I want, when I want and how I want.
Writing has always helped me. It’s easy to get trapped in one’s own head with tormenting thoughts swirling around and around. Having to put then down in black and white slows everything down for me and gives me a sense of clarity. But it’s easy to lie to oneself, even in writing. I don’t lie when I’m speaking (or writing) to other people. So, if I’m going to be honest, I need to communicate with someone else who doesn’t live in my messed-up head. That’s the first reason.
The second reason is that, knowing someone else has read what I’ve written gives accountability. It’s not so much that I want anyone to hold me accountable – I’m an adult and I need to be responsible for my own choices. But I don’t want you all to think I’m a total flake. (Even though sometimes I am!) I used not to care what anyone else thought of me but, today, I do. It’s also still about honesty – if I tell you I’m going to do something then I need to do it or tell you why not.
Encouragement is important too. I like to know that there are people cheering me on even as I cheer for them. The blogging community is great for that 🙂 And maybe by being honest about my experiences I will encourage or challenge someone else – about their beliefs, their faith, their health, their lifestyle.