I’ve always thought I was a bit of a wimp. Having walked around on a broken ankle for a year, however, I realise that’s not the case. In fact, I’ve been too much of a hero. I’ve also been a bit of a fool.
Maybe it’s a Bipolar thing but I do tend to swing from one extreme to another and have difficulty finding the middle ground, especially when I’m learning something new or trying to make a change in my behaviour. But I do learn, I do settle into changes and there is a middle ground (although I often lose the map).
When I broke the ankle, I was in the middle of the relationship-that-wasn’t and the man concerned was very much my hero. It felt good to have him encouraging me to go beyond what I thought I could do and I’m taking some of those lessons with me into today and tomorrow. Unfortunately, I was so desperate to prove I was also a hero that I went beyond what was sensible. As a result, I didn’t pester my Doctor enough to get the AoD treated. No, I shouldn’t have had to pester him in order to get the right care but that’s the world we live in. Sometimes gritting your teeth and getting on with things doesn’t really get you what you need.
The title of this post was meant to be ‘Done being a hero’ period. But, as I start to think about surgery and the six month recovery period I’m facing I realise that being a wimp isn’t going to help me either. Over the past year, I’ve learned that I have more willpower and strength than is sometimes good for me. One of my best friends called me a ‘fighter’ the other day. I asked if she didn’t mean ‘stubborn’ but she wants to stick with ‘fighter’. There will be times when I have to grit my teeth and get on with it. But there will also be times when I have to admit defeat, ask for help and swallow the painkillers. Six months should be enough time to find the map to the middle ground.